This was the view we had of the Newport water while eating dinner.....sooooo pretty.
Even though we walked off the dock last night w/ a great memory, 2 “Dexter” bobble heads & 2 Showtime tote bags…I had a bit of sadness inside of me…Don’t get me wrong, as I’ve said in my blog & as I’ve told people face to face, over the phone or through an email, I love it up here….BUT I am still homesick at times & still feel out of place…Last night these feelings crept up on me at the Showtime cruise. I really did have a great time but it just reminded me of how long it takes for me to feel comfortable around people I don’t know or haven’t known that long. It reminded me of how much I wish I could act myself w/ the snap of my finger, but just cant. If only I had the nerve to dance on the dance floor with everyone else but instead I stayed back w/ Steve & just watched everyone get their groove on. I wish I didn’t care about what I looked or sounded like when it comes to my stiff moves & not so great singing voice. I’d do anything to give two shits & just let it all out like I have no care in the world. Of course if I had a few more beers in me the two of us would have been shakin' our stuff along w/ the other COX employees but I didn’t want to get drunk at my 1st work party….plus the boat was a lil too wobbly to consume any more alcohol…HA. I wanted to remain in a good state & just take it all in…. It has still been a bit hard meeting new people inside of work and outside of work. Inside the employees that surround me are on their headsets all day, so if I get any chance to chat with them at all it’s for a quick second before our conversation gets interrupted by their next incoming call. I pretty much sit at my desk all day & do my work….the only time I take a break is to run to the bathroom or go to lunch w/ my buddies Lisa, Stacy, Stephanie & Cat. If only I was more out going & could strike up a conversation with anyone at anytime. As much as I don’t think everyone needs to know everything about me right off the bat I wish they knew just a lil bit about my personality & my VA background…I know it will still take time though, I keep reminding myself that I’ve only been here for a few months….After thinking about it I realized that it pretty much took me about a year or so to get comfortable with Steve’s CT friends….its always hard to come into a close knit group who all grew up in the same area. Luckily they accepted me with open arms & made it very easy for me to feel like one of the gang. I feel pretty darn comfortable doing anything & saying anything around them now which is a huge plus in my book….even acting like a fool on a Friday or Saturday night comes easily….Its safe to say that I can call them “my friends” too now…and that makes me smile.….Unfortunately for the most part here in RI I feel that when I am around people there is a line that divides “me” from “them”…I have never felt so much like an outsider in my life…I am still very much out of my element as I sometimes say….When you have lived in the same place all your life it is hard to call another place home. (Babe, no worries…home is still where the heart is…)…It’s just that things are sooo different up here, not in a bad way, just in a different way…if that makes any sense. There are a lot of things I still have to get used to. From the little things to the big things….Even though I’m a pretty patient person, I’m feeling very impatient about getting past this particular point….I know I will eventually make more buddies & act like myself more (without thinking twice) around the ones I already have…Soon enough I will be able to truly open up & show everyone the real me. In the mean time I will continue to put up a front & be strong….& of course hold in the tears that seem to sneak up on me every now and then…..
"Sometimes stepping into the unknown can make us grow as people, and show us things we never thought we were capable of. Sometimes it's healthy to experience a change of scenery and inject ourselves into a new life..."
~Natalie Brown~
6 comments:
It's great that you have the introspection and know yourself well enough to be able to write (and think) like this. Half the battle is knowing what's going on in your head.
I have moved a lot and am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum -- I don't have the super close bonds with people from living in one place for all my life. It's hard this way too -- I don't have anyone I feel like I can ever truly call up and completely open up to.
I do know that you are going to get through this time and be able to open up and show everyone in RI how awesome you really are :)
In this technology age, I think we all forget how long things really (should) take and we tend to want instant gratification -- I know I do. I just have to sit back sometimes and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.
:)
Girlie, I know how you feel 100%. It is so hard to pick up and leave ALLLLLL that is familiar for a very new and strange place. Think of how much you have grown though, and be proud of yourself. You'll get to where you're comfortable and if anything, it makes you appreciate the amazing friends you have and will continue to keep close with. But, I too put up a front a lot and hide tears... there really is no place like home. BUT, as you said, 'home is where the heart is'. THANK GOD FOR PLANES, TRAINS and AUTOMOBILES!
you are a beautiful girl, inside and out. eventually, all those people that you want to know the real you, will know the real you. i met you about 1.5 years ago, and i know that i haven't even cracked the surface. but i think you are an amazing girl with a huge heart. just give it time.
it's incredible to see just how many of us girls have the same fears. would you have ever thought that carrie and i have some of those same fears? probably not. we present ourselves as some of the most outgoing girls you'll ever meet. but wer'e right there with you!
know that you're not alone. and that you will get through it and laugh about it later!
big hugs!!!!!
SKV6,
First of all, I am inspired by the bravery you've displayed in writing this blog. It takes a lot to divulge the emotions you are going through right now. Bravo!
Moving and adapting to new people and places is difficult and can certainly a roller coaster. But it will get better. Eventually you won't be at the top of the coaster, falling down the hill with your stomach in your throat. It will all even out and you'll be on the stable and fun part of the ride.
Don't judge yourself so harshly for being yourself. Everyone is different and everyone interacts with people in a unique way. So you're shy and don't like to dance if you don't have a few drinks in you. So you're being responsible and don't want to go crazy at a work party. Kudos to you for having a healthy frame of mind to not act a fool. :)
You'll get there Shannon. You are stronger than you think and I know you'll make it. It might take some time, but like you said, you just need to have a little patience.
I love you.
Nat
ps: I want a Dexter bobble head. That is my favorite show on television and I am extremely jealous.
Shannon, I really admire what you did. Not a lot of people have the courage and strength you had to make a change like that. "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living."
Keep your head up girl, you have a lot going for ya!
xoxo
Aw littles!
You aren't alone! I know that I have lived away from NoVA for about 10 year now, but i still get home sick and cry for the friends that I grew up with and know me the best and my family. Sometimes I feel out of place in GILES too and even though I would be described as outgoing, I'm not always.
My point is that you are so completley normal for having all those feelings! Good for you to move all the way up to RI and follow your heart! Steve is SO LUCKY to have you up there. Oh and Kudos to you for getting your feelings out in this blog! :o)
I wrote my brother the same thing, even though I lived 4 and half hours from home and you, it feels like since you moved farther away that I miss you more then when I knew you were just a drive away!!
Love you littles... hang in there... hopefully Steve will reward you ;o) haha HINT HINT STEVENNNNNNNNNNNNN! ;o)
Loving you... em :o)
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