CALL ME...HUG ME...LOVE ME

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps lately… I’m really sad that our engagement, the wedding planning, wedding day & honeymoon is all over. I’ve heard a bride can become a lil depressed after all is said and done. I guess I’m experiencing a lil bit of those sad feelings. I feel as if our time is over. EVEN THOUGH it’s really the beginning… it’s hard to explain. I’m sure some of you girls out there understand what I am going through. It’s the strangest feeling; you are on such a “high” for several months & then BAM you come down from it. OBVIOUSLY I am SO happy to be married to Steve & am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him as his wife, but there is still a part of me that is sad. I do know that the next step to look forward to in our future is having babies. This makes me smile. :) Steve knows that….but what he might not know is that even though I say I’m ready, I’m not entirely. Having a baby sounds very exciting, especially since I feel as if it will fill the empty void that I have been feeling…..but it’s a lot of work. It’s scary! And it’s a lot of money. Not to mention the D-word….daycare. My parents have always told me that you can never be ready or financially ready. You just manage when the time comes for a lil one to come along. You work it out. Like Steve, we would like to be settled in our marriage, in our house & hopefully have a few more pay raises under our belts……..but still…..i cannot wait to have kids …….just when the time is right…………….I don’t know about you, but when I’m sad about something I start thinking about other sad things. I still really miss my friends & family at home-I wish I could go home every other weekend, spend ½ the time w/ steve’s friends & family & the other ½ with mine, that would be ideal, in a perfect world-that didn’t cost anything……. I’m so frustrated that I still don’t know my way around yet. I have to ask steve over & over how to get somewhere, or what exit to take. I know it’s so frustrating for him. I am so scared to go out on my own at times so I ask him to come with me, for example-when running errands. I seem to know the area around work more then I do where we live. I think one of the reasons I gets scared is bc since we live a bit in the country-my cell phone & my Garmin navigator don’t always work, I worry about getting lost, getting a flat tire, or hitting a deer, especially at night-or even running my car off the road in the snow. I don’t think Steve will ever understand…every place he lived he chose to do so-on his own. I never wanted to move away from home, until I found out Steve found a good job up here that was just too good to pass up….. Having Steve by my side makes me feel safe. I used to be so independent in VA-especially the year before I moved since I was living on my own. I knew the in's & out's of everything. I feel like I have become less independent. I guess that’s what you get for living in the same place for 27 years… I think I have a few more years to start to becoming comfortable, maybe then I will stop 2nd guessing myself when I am out on my own as well………………Now that the clocks have changed- winter is right around the corner. It’s so dark & cold when I leave the office. Steve found this amazing photography club for me to go to 2 Thursday nights every month. I really want to go but we have so much going on, on top of that, again I am scared to go alone. I am also scared of my safety. I know a girl can never be too careful. An awful event from a friend’s past has haunted me more & more recently. Thank god the BASTARD was finally charged with being guilty after what he did to her. But it’s been a long road…..for all of us. The incident seems to be never ending; I was informed by my friend recently that I might have to possibly testify in court. I would have in a heartbeat for her since I was there that night and knew most of the details…before, during & after. But *luckily* the court didn't need me-I had been so sick to my stomach about going….but it’s been on my mind, as it has for the past several years. But lately it’s been on my mind more, it only makes me more scared to go anywhere at night alone. Another reason why (besides being so busy from now until the Holidays) I will probably push this photography club out a bit since they meet at night….…Now onto my job. I really like what I do in general but it’s not my dream job & I def don’t get paid as much as I would like to. Lately I’ve been super swamped, staying busy is great but it’s been tough….it’s wearing me out a bit-Im so tired when I get home-and last night-a bit moody…..hopefully things will settle down in the next few weeks. I’m still struggling to find friends here. It’s very hard to do that where I sit in the building, I'm almost secluded from the other departments. It’s a fun atmosphere where my cube is but it’s still hard to have a conversation with the employees in the room or learn there names-still, after almost 1.5 years……I still just do my job, eat lunch w/ my friend/co-worker Stephanie & go home. I mean I guess that’s what you are supposed to do but it’s always nice to have a few friends to talk to or hang out w/ at work or outside of work you know? I know you know what I mean…….On top of it all , I cant seem to get away from something-no matter what’s said or done, something or someone always brings me back to it, I cannot tell you how much I hate it, it changed me, it made me become someone I never wanted to be, I just want it to go away once and for all & I want to go back to my old self…………..So yah…. As you can see, as I said, I've been down in the dumps lately, maybe they aren’t big issues to you but they are to me. No one ever understands how much something affects someone else. We all have our problems. There is only so much I can talk to Steve, my friends & my family about before it wears on them or gets old-because of this-sometimes I’ll keep things to myself-and deal with it on my own. I normally only blog about positive or silly stuff but sometimes I like to use my blog as away of expressing my feelings or what I’m going through. Every now & then…. When I really need to. It helps me get my thoughts out, even if they are all jumbled. So for those of you who think my life is all fine & dandy it’s not all entirely true. For the most part-yah it is, but I do have my issues. I’m just like you. :) …….I’ve never done this before but for once I think I’m going to set some goals for myself in 2010. A few New Years resolutions really….you know, to better myself, my life, my marriage ect. The outcome can only be positive right? I’m thinking this is a good idea……..